When I first learned about the concept of “Love Languages,” it instantly resonated with me how we all receive love in different ways. I immediately identified myself with two of them: words of affirmation and acts of service. Whenever these are expressed to me, I feel warm and loved, like I am truly noticed and cared about.
It wasn’t until this morning when I saw a post from a friend with a self-love version of this that I came to a huge realization about myself, and the way I receive love. This pictogram (see below) gives a great illustration of how you could apply each love language in loving yourself, and I instantly felt connected to ALL of them. I couldn’t just choose one or two that stood out as stronger for me.
I recently took a self-love day, and reflected on how I designed my day based on these different love languages:
1. Physical Touch: I booked a massage, hair and nail appointment because they make me feel good, like I am nurturing my body in ways I can’t do for myself. Some kind of physical touch is always involved when I think of a self-care day.
2. Acts of Service: I made sure to clear my schedule and say “no” to any requests that would interfere with my day to myself. I purposely drove out to the beach, knowing it was a place I was most happy. I go out of my way for myself for these days.
3. Receiving Gifts: In addition to the beauty appointments, I also allowed myself to buy gourmet little chocolates as a treat without guilt (yum!!) Sometimes it’s food, sometimes it’s clothes, or something from my favorite metaphysical store, but I do like to indulge every now and again.
4. Quality Time: I enjoyed a lunch overlooking the ocean and took time to go down to the beach to meditate. I enjoy the quiet time to myself to reflect on life; it’s sacred to me.
5. Words of Affirmation: During my meditation and journaling, I am led to releasing and then affirming all that is good about that moment, about me. By the end of the day, I end up looking in the mirror, and feeling the love of those words—and even believe them!
So, when I take the time for self-care, I am all in. I dedicate that time to myself, automatically weaving in all 5 love languages—it’s not even planned! Though I will say that I save up all this self-love for those days, and could really work on bringing more of this into my day-to-day life. But that’s another story, and another blog.
Here’s the huge A-HA moment for me today: I have no problem bestowing upon and accepting all forms of love for myself, from myself. However, the fact that I only resonated with 2 of the 5 love languages from others was a red light that I still have some intimacy issues to work through.
After reflecting on self-love application, I went through and analyzed my other-love acceptance in the same way, and here’s what I found:
1. Physical Touch: I absolutely adore snuggling with my kids, and having someone play with my hair is one of the most relaxing and amazing feeling for me. I am an affectionate person and don’t mind doling out hugs. But when it comes to romantic love, I don’t look for physical touch as an identifier of love, but perhaps I should. Why? Because I close down at the thought of physical touch, seeing a lack of it instead as a rejection, so psychologically, I won’t let myself associate touch with love. It’s too painful for me to do so. If I receive love that way, then I feel like it can just as easily be taken away. It’s something I just identified needing to work through, because that’s a huge wall to get past.
2. Acts of Service: As previously mentioned, this was one I identified with immediately. As a single mom, I have come to appreciate any help I can get. I also like to think of myself as thoughtful, so to me, acts of service are a deliberately thoughtful show of love because someone took the time to get to know what I needed, and gave that to me. I am always so touched by this level of kindness, and it moves me. I also like to think out of the box and do this for others, and it makes me feel good. I feel like in this area, I have an equal balance of give and take, so it works.
3. Receiving Gifts: I actually hate receiving gifts—except if they are for service (like massages, travel/day experiences, etc. because I equate those to acts of service for whatever reason). I don’t like material gifts. My first husband would try to buy my expensive things, and I would get upset because that’s not me—it never was. My love cannot be “bought,” it needs to be felt. But I am wondering now if my bawking at grandiose material gestures is because I don’t have a love of material items, or because I actually feel unworthy of such extravagance. Although it is true I am not big on most material items by practical nature, and feel like some things are a waste of money when they could better spent on experiences, I do feel super uncomfortable with luxury items as gifts. Who am I to deserve such things? And if I did, I should be able to afford them myself. Another insight to look into about myself. As if I am the only one who can determine what I deserve, or deny someone the right to express love in that way because they think I am worth it.
4. Quality Time: Although I am pretty settled in my ways and love my time for independence, I think quality time with others has grown to be more important these days. A few years ago when I discovered the love languages at first, I knew it about myself to not be demanding of quality time because I also need self time. But now when I think about this, I can see that quality time with others is important to me—and that I have more than enough time for me. It’s a balance I appreciate as I expand my social interactions, and enjoy my family Tuesdays. So. I’d say this has grown to be an appreciated love language gesture that I accept graciously. If someone wants to set aside time just for me (or us), then that is a wonderful feeling.
5. Words of Affirmation: I hold this in high regard—perhaps too high. It makes me feel special and worthwhile to be acknowledged. It’s like the blood in my veins—I need it to survive. I can’t give it to myself enough (insert therapy session here), so I depend on the words of others to feel lovable enough to give it to myself. That’s a dangerous path, because I have been known to even fall for or cling onto false praise. Narcissists who knew my hot button had no problem drawing me in with their praise-flowing words. I am seeking to find the truth in genuine compliments and less-than-honorous verbal approvals. The key to that is most likely in taking on my words of affirmation for myself, so that I don’t need the validation, and can instead spot and accept real compliments as they come without attaching meaning to it.
So, there you have it! My love language self assessment. I think this little exercise helped me to see where I still have yet to work on myself, and I appreciate that unexpected insight. I highly recommend that everyone take this challenge to compare and see where maybe you can find areas to allow more love into your life—from yourself and others.
References:
5 Love Languages: www.5lovelanguages.com
Picture Source: https://www.facebook.com/BlessingManifesting
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